Dealing with negative comments

This is a guest post from Chris Hinton.

It’s an experiment, and one which I think is a great idea of Chris’. He’s written the post in two parts. One for his blog and one for this one. This one deals with handling negative comments in person, and the one on his blog deals with the same subject, but on-line. You’ll find a link further down. We’ve decided to call this a “Split post.” Over to Chris:

My day-to-day job as a pastor is one of those that would be classified as "leadership". One of the problems with leadership of any sort is that it automatically puts the leader in a position where it's very easy to criticise them. The fault for any issues that arise is laid at the leader's feet, whether those issues are operational, interpersonal, or sometimes completely unrelated to the leader's area of influence. Managers, politicians, and any number of other professions all experience the same sort of thing and must learn quickly to deal with criticism and negative comments.

Blogging is surprisingly similar. You, as the blogger, are effectively "in charge" of your blog and its related activities. If there's something about it that people don't like, they'll feel perfectly free to tell you about it because, after all, it's ultimately your responsibility. As a blogger, you too must learn to deal with criticism and negative comments. It's not nice, nor easy, but necessary.

I can't claim to have a bullet-proof system that will shield you from any and all negativity that might come your way, but I can tell you how I try to deal with it. If you have anything to add please share it in the comments. Just, you know, try and keep it positive in tone!

Let's split this into two, because it's quite a hefty subject. We'll look at dealing with negative comments and criticism in person, and then in the online world. You won't have to wait for part two to be published, though, because it's already available here.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Person

Being criticised in person is awful, not least because it's very immediate. You're hearing what's being said right there and then, and the person is there waiting for a response.

First thing's first then: take a deep breath and resist the urge to just fire straight back. Take a moment to think about what you're going to say. It might not feel like you have a moment to think, but you do. Even just waiting a few seconds can mean the difference between a reasoned response and just diving rashly in.

Having taken a moment to compose myself, there are a few things I try to do when someone's complaining or criticising. I don't always remember to do every one, and they're not all appropriate every time, but they're good things to have at your disposal!

- Try and determine the other person's viewpoint

One of the big things that changed how I think about negativity, and how I deal with it, is when I was told to think about the other person's viewpoint. From their point of view they may have a totally valid complaint, so it's helpful to work out what angle they are coming from.

Have you just pulled the plug on something that was important to them? Have you just used a phrase or saying that's offensive to them, but not necessarily to other people? Are you sure that the thing you think they're complaining about is actually what they are complaining about?

I find that when I start to think about a person's viewpoint I understand a little more about why they're complaining or being negative... and that's a great place to start when trying to work through the issue.

- Fogging

Critics are often thrown off balance when you actually agree with them, especially the ones who really just want a good fight. The point of fogging is to mentally refuse to allow negative comments to affect you, but also to agree with the true things your critic is actually saying. It's very hard to decide, "this isn't going to have a bad effect on me" but the easier part is to agree with what you can.

For instance, "That event was a complete shambles, you're a hopeless organiser" is a tough thing to hear, and you're obviously not going to agree easily with the assertion that you're a hopeless organiser. But you may be able to say, "You're right, there were a few things that could have been organised better", or, "Yes, I really struggled with some aspects and I agree they didn't go as well as they could have". Perhaps it'll even be, "Yes, I've certainly been to better organised events". Replies like that let your critic know you're aware of your shortcomings and, because you're not fighting back, work toward defusing the situation. It's almost like they're trying to punch fog, hence the name.

- Allow your critic to get everything off their chest

When a person's got their blood up they're pretty likely to go away after the conversation and think of another thing you've done wrong. If you want to avoid them fizzing away in the background or even coming back for another go, let them criticise, respond appropriately, and then ask, "Is there anything else?". They're then invited to tell you something else that's been bothering them. You're then mentally in control of the conversation and, while you're still going to hear criticism, it's somehow different if you asked for it. At the end of it all, the critic goes away feeling that they've had the chance to say everything they wanted, and you're much less likely to face a future blowup over the same thing.

- Explain your actions without being defensive

There will be times when someone criticises you but you still feel that the course of action you took was the right one. It's difficult to do, but I find it's best to try and explain your actions without being defensive. This involves explaining why you thought the course of action you took was the best one, but being careful not to imply that it was the only "right" decision or that your critic is being stupid for not seeing it. You might even want to say that you realise the decision might have seemed strange but you just want to explain some of the background so that it doesn't seem as random as it does at first! This might not bring the situation to an immediate end, but it does show that you had thought things through properly.

- Don't criticise back

As tempting as it might be, taking the opportunity to engage in some criticism of your own will only serve to escalate the argument. Hold your tongue, unless a blazing row is what you're actually looking for!

- Apologise for things you can apologise for

This doesn't sit well with some people, but if you use it genuinely I think it's very powerful. Say someone comes to you and says they've been hurt by a decision you've made. What do you do if you believe the decision was actually good? Do you apologise for making it? I don't think you do, but you can apologise for the hurt, confusion, or other feelings that your decision caused.

The reason this doesn't sit well with some people is that they view it as a technical apology and not a genuine one. I can see the point but do think this can convey genuine regret over the outcome of a decision. I might still think my decision was the best one, but be genuinely sorry that taking that decision caused another person to feel the way they did.

If, of course, you come to realise you are actually at fault, don't be afraid to apologise for that too! It shows maturity and genuineness if you can admit your mistakes.

- Be prepared to agree to disagree

In the end, there will always be people with whom you just can't reach an agreement. Don't fall into the trap of believing that the only acceptable outcome of a disagreement is complete resolution... sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.

Conclusion

So there we go. That's how I deal with negative comments received in person.. None of this does away with that awful jittery feeling you get when a person has a go at you, and obviously every scenario is doing to be different from the last, but I've found these techniques to be very helpful in dealing with situations when they arise.

It would be great to know if you have anything you'd like to add to this, though. How do you deal with criticism when it arises? Have you had any situations come up that you'd like to share? As ever, feel free to do so in the comments.

You can read more of Chris’ work at Geek Speak and you can follow him on Twitter @cdhinton